Am I Ok?

8:30 am seated in a chair, which i must say has very little or no ergonomics associated with it, i feel strange. Not that this feeling is new to me. but today, it’s more than different. No, it’s not my stomach wanting to relieve itself but something more malaise.

i feel myself being pulled down by this invisible quicksand. my hands reaching out high in the air, wanting to grab on to something to save my puny little soul. i taste this, this lethal composition of sand & water that eloped to give birth to this quicksand. i struggle to stay
up only to be pulled down stronger. i grow weak.

as i lay submerged, holding on to that last breath, i hear a faint noise. i want to scream, but i refrain. something then hits me, hard. i panic. i lose that last breath. i give in & for the last time i open my eyes. i see light. yes, the light at the end of the tunnel. it blinds me & i feel alive, again.
but to my satisfaction or dissatisfaction, the light(s) belong to the fixtures in my office & not the celestial light i thought it was.

seated atop my table, i see my colleague staring at me through his glasses. i give him one of my ridiculous smiles only to be asked, "Are you Ok?” And without a second thought, i answer yes.

but i am not okay. and i haven't been okay for quite sometime now. sure, there have been highs & lows. they're amazing highs. but my lows always reign. for anyone who asks me how im doing, i always answer i doing ok. as natural as crying is to babies, so is my answer to these
questions.

and now i'd like to cry. just so that i could let it all out. why can't i just be angry? why can't i just scream in disgust? why must all this pain show its ugly face even after it was thrown away? did it really ever go away?

no. it never went away. it was still there after my break down. and it still looms around me like a lion savoring the meal to come. i can introspect about it all i want, but it doesn't make anything better. nothing changes.

and so my tête-à-tête with this quicksand shall continue, every day, till the end of time.
my time!